disappearing act

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The past couple of months I’ve slipped back into feeling unrelentingly blue. It’s one of the things I hate most about depression – the constant up’s and down’s, feeling confident and happy for a while – and forgetting what it felt like to be in this hole.

I’m finally emerging from that dark place, just as spring finally arrives in the city. It’s a comforting reminder that even flowers bloom again.

I have a really strong desire to be proactive about this. I’m looking for a therapist closer to home, and I’ve made a commitment to eating healthier. I really want to lose a few pounds and feel more awake and energized. My eating habits since moving to the city have been appalling. UberEats made savory, calorie-heavy meals way too easy to access, and I’ve never been much of a walker. I miss being skinny. I miss not feeling winded after walking a staircase. Honestly, it’s been really hard…I’ve been used to eating unhealthily for years, and I didn’t realize how many bad habits I started and how I’d feel sick all the time. I’m also doing a really self-indulgent thing…I’m getting my teeth fixed! I’ve literally wanted to fix my teeth ever since they grew in as a kid. You wouldn’t believe how badly I wanted braces, and not because I thought they looked “cool”.

I keep hoping if I can make myself less self-conscious of how I look on the outside, maybe I’ll feel better on the inside…or something like that. Because I just feel really lost and insecure again. About everything.

I have a few things in the works…I’ll try to write about it as I do them, maybe it will help me.


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