goodbye, FP

I lost my favourite person a few days ago and I’m still reeling from it. No, they didn’t die – but they made the conscious and calculated decision to remove themselves from my life. My texts go unanswered. Any social media connection has been severed. It isn’t likely that we’ll run into each other.

For people with borderline personality disorder, the term “favourite person” means so much more than those two words describe. I’m describing this based on personal experience and information I’ve gathered online/from books while trying to learn more about BPD. I never thought it was weird to have someone who was so important to you, that they could effect your mood for an entire day…or days. Compliments are even more special when they come from a FP. But rejection and cruel words also feel even more painful than usual. If someone, say, didn’t send you the usual morning text, you’d probably wonder if they were okay or just send a simple “hello!” right? For me, not getting that morning text sends me into a spiral of anxiety that usually ends with me convinced they hate me, want nothing to do with me…and then I get the text. And everything is okay again, although I still have that little voice at the back of my head warning me about the inevitable and impending end of the relationship. I love just as hard, perhaps to a fault. I give generously, in terms of time, affection, attention, and gifts. Oh, do I love buying gifts for my FP. But sometimes, having a FP does more harm than good. If someone treated you badly or made you feel bad all the time, you’d probably cut them off, right? It’s so hard and sometimes impossible for me to do that. I more-often get left than doing the leaving. This is also because my relationships are usually fraught with conflict, which I seem to cause even when I’m trying not to “act crazy”.

I know that having a FP may seem unfair to the person – and it is a huge deal to have someone depend on you so much. It’s possible to have more than one FP, but I’ve found my attention always settles on one person in particular. Also, once you’ve been my FP – “main” or otherwise – I will probably never stop loving or admiring you. This is painful when the relationship ends or they pull away because, honestly, it’s a lot for them to deal with. My moods are extreme, and looking back I’m able to recognize my M.O of challenging my FPs to leave me. I’m always waiting for the decision that I’m too much, too demanding, too emotional. When there is a dip in communication, I think I’m being ghosted. And it’s very hard to confront these emotions and fears, although I’ve tried CBT to do so. But the last time I was doing my CBT exercises, I just had a sudden realization and feeling that my emotions aren’t valid because of my disorder. I haven’t tried with it again.

The past year has been a whirlwind in terms of my health and mental state. To say I’ve been unwell is, I think, an understatement. But I’ve also dealt with the loss of multiple people because my depression and suicide attempt was too much to handle. And I do understand that, and I think people need to take care of themselves first – but it’s quite hard to accept that obviously your feelings aren’t reciprocated, or that you’re just “too much”.

My FP has decided they’re too “toxic” for me, and pretty much peaced out of my life. He won’t respond to my texts. He doesn’t want to see me. We no longer have each other on FB, or Instagram. And this loss feels much heavier than the others, because he has been more important than I can describe for 15 years. My other losses pale in comparison. I’m left wondering what I’ll do without him.

I’m grateful I know now that I have borderline personality disorder, and I can work on these sorts of issues. But damn…do I wish I didn’t have these sorts of issues.

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