I haven’t written in a while because my life had become sort of displaced. With it, my desire to do anything (including blog) whittled away to nothing.
This summer was a bitch. My depression intensified, and I had to take sick leave from work. My cat died. Then my fiance broke up with me. It seemed that one bad thing after another kept happening and I was already so down that I had no idea how to fix it.
However, the past few months have shown me how resilient I am and how capable I’ve become of taking care of myself. Within a week I had secured a new, pet-friendly apartment, vastly improved my eating habits, and stopped taking sleeping pills every night. These were big steps for me. I realized that I have to take care of myself, because no one else will, nor should I expect them to.
I’m going to try to write more in the future. I feel like good things are already happening. I’m settled in my new place, I have my other kitty companions back, and I feel strong and confident enough to return to work in a couple of weeks. Most of all though, I learned how to rely on myself: that alone is a lesson that is priceless.
To my readers, never ever beg to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You deserve more. And if the other person tells you that you deserve better, believe them.
The past couple of months I’ve slipped back into feeling unrelentingly blue. It’s one of the things I hate most about depression – the constant up’s and down’s, feeling confident and happy for a while – and forgetting what it felt like to be in this hole.
I’m finally emerging from that dark place, just as spring finally arrives in the city. It’s a comforting reminder that even flowers bloom again.
I have a really strong desire to be proactive about this. I’m looking for a therapist closer to home, and I’ve made a commitment to eating healthier. I really want to lose a few pounds and feel more awake and energized. My eating habits since moving to the city have been appalling. UberEats made savory, calorie-heavy meals way too easy to access, and I’ve never been much of a walker. I miss being skinny. I miss not feeling winded after walking a staircase. Honestly, it’s been really hard…I’ve been used to eating unhealthily for years, and I didn’t realize how many bad habits I started and how I’d feel sick all the time. I’m also doing a really self-indulgent thing…I’m getting my teeth fixed! I’ve literally wanted to fix my teeth ever since they grew in as a kid. You wouldn’t believe how badly I wanted braces, and not because I thought they looked “cool”.
I keep hoping if I can make myself less self-conscious of how I look on the outside, maybe I’ll feel better on the inside…or something like that. Because I just feel really lost and insecure again. About everything.
I have a few things in the works…I’ll try to write about it as I do them, maybe it will help me.